At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
This is my gift to your gina
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
