I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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