you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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