my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
