i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
be right there i have to get my cape
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
