Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
