watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
