I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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