shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
