She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
