Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
