Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
