you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
