Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
