Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
