Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
