You're my little dorito
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
