Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
