I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
