dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
