Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
