Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
