his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
