This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
