Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
