I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize