I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
