Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
