On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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