Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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