So drunk its hurt
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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