i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
