my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
