If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
