i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
