saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
