that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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