Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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