I CAN MOONWALK!
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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