wrigley field is MILF paradise
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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