I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
