On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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