Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
