I faked an abortion last night.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
