And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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