Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
