Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
