I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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