The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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