Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
