Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
