I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
