I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
there is glitter all over my balls
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