Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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