A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize