I'm gonna have a badass scar
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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