I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
