My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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