Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
