mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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