Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
