toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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