come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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