Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have tasted many bathrooms
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
