My friends, they love my intelligence
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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