I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
