im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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