SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
